


If At First You Don't Succeed

by Topographical_Map_Of_Utah



Series: Along Came Baby [8]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, But The Kind That Actually Happens, Fluff, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Stormpilot, This One's Kinda Sad, Trans!Poe Dameron, domestic AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8019631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah/pseuds/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Try, try again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If At First You Don't Succeed

**Author's Note:**

> Flashback to six months before Shara was born, because this kid needs more backstory.

"And you're sure you've got nothing to tell me?" Finn asked. He and Poe were sprawled out in the living room, Finn draped over the couch with a book and Poe curled up in an arm chair, wrapped in a blanket with a teddy bear squeezed to his chest. That in itself was kind of strange. Poe wasn't one to sit around on his days off. Usually he'd be running around doing errands or tearing around upstate on his motorcycle. But for the past few weeks Poe had spent his weekends basically barricaded in the apartment, and Finn was hell-bent on figuring out why.

 "One hundred percent." Poe eased himself carefully out of the chair and shook off the blanket as he made his way over to the kitchen. "Why do you ask?" 

 "No reason." Finn sighed, watching Poe pull the leftover pizza box out of the fridge. He tossed a couple slices onto a plate, heated it up, then for some godforsaken reason spread peanut butter on one slice, relish on the other, and then sandwiched that mess together. Yeah, that was normal. "Are you absolutely sure? Nothing to report? No news from the front?" Finn kept up the barrage of questions as Poe nestled on the couch with him, using Finn's chest as a backrest.

"Mmph." Well, that was a clear answer. Finn rolled his eyes and looked down at Poe's paunch, watching as though he expected something to move in there. The problem was that the guy had been a bit tubby from the get-go, so Finn had no way of knowing whether there was a baby in his belly or maybe just a couple extra Twinkies. 

They'd been trying for a kid for over a year now, and a little part of Finn felt discouraged, sure, but a bigger part just wanted to try harder. All he had to do was convince himself on a daily basis that this wasn't impossible, only kind of difficult. But hey, Finn wasn't one to shy away from a challenge, and neither was Poe.

Although some nights, after Poe had passed out and moonlight was flickering on the far wall of their bedroom, that little scared part of himself seemed to grow to twice its usual size. When he was sure Poe was asleep Finn would press a hand to his stomach and wonder. Maybe they'd done it. Maybe this time it would stick. Or maybe it would never happen and they'd be left with nothing but the question _why?_   

The past few weeks hadn't helped ease his state of mind. On one hand, maybe Poe was acting weird because of weird baby hormones. Then again, he might just have lost either interest or hope, maybe both. They hadn't tried in over a week, actually. Finn wasn't quite sure why.

Turns out mixed feelings were worse than the simplicity of another negative test or period gone by uninterrupted. It would be so easy if he could just flat out ask if he'd managed to knock the guy up, but Finn felt that this was a situation that required a bit more tact than that. And realistically, Finn thought as he wrapped his arms around Poe's waist, this wasn't a secret that could be kept for long. Still, it would be nice to know up front. 

"How're you doing?" Finn prodded. 

"Swell." 

"No cramps? Nothing?"

"I'm fine, Finn." Poe insisted. "Quit being such a worrywart, would you?"

"I can't help it. You're worrisome." Finn's eyes rested on the bear that Poe had been fiddling with earlier and he took one last stab at cracking the mystery. "You're sure you've got nothing to tell me?"

"Yup."  

"Alright then." Finn closed his eyes and sighed into Poe's hair. All things considered, Poe either had a reason for not telling him, or there might just be nothing to say. Besides, if there was something to all this confusion it would be well worth the wait. And if there wasn't, well, Finn could think about it later.

 

\-------------- 

 

“Y’know, you really should let him know." Jess chided. Poe rolled his eyes and ducked back into the engine of Black One, trying to solder a wire while Jess nagged him. He and his squadron usually wound up in one of the spare hangars after work, making repairs or dicking around with the broken drones that got dumped in the corner. A couple months ago Rey had modded one with a glitter gun. That thing was popular at parties.

"She's right, Poe. This is fifty percent on him, after all. You gotta let him know." Rey insisted. It was rare for Rey to take her girlfriend's side. Man, they really were invested in this.

"Do I?" Poe said absently, just to annoy Jess. "I thought he wouldn't notice."

Two weeks ago Poe had told Jess, for lack of a better term, that he had a bun in the oven. He'd just wanted someone to come with him for the ultrasound. But then Jess had told Rey, and then the two of them had decided it was their responsibility to make Poe's life a living hell. Jess was constantly following him around with a pregnancy blog open on her phone, while Rey kept badgering him with health food and vitamins. And they dared call him a mother hen. 

"Hey, it's half his kid! At least tell me your doctor knows..."

"'Course she knows, Jess. How stupid d'you think I am?" Poe complained. 

"Knows what?" Ben asked, popping his head out of the cockpit of the F-15 across from them, earbuds dangling around his neck.

"He doesn't know?" Rey pointed the screwdriver at her brother, who threw a bolt at her before turning back to Poe with a scowl.

"What don't I know?" Ben demanded.

"I want to know who else knows." Jess insisted.

"Who else knows what?" Snap asked, climbing up onto the wing of Karé's fighter and sitting down beside her.

"Oh, right, he doesn't know." Jess sighed.

"I still don't know." Karé said helplessly.

"He's pregnant." Rey nodded at Poe, twirling a screwdriver between her fingers.

"Him?" Ben said incredulously, disbelief clear in his voice. Poe rolled his eyes and went back to his work.

"Me, ya dingus. The guy who's been trying to get pregnant for the past year and a half. Do you listen when people talk?"

"Nope. Wait, Poe? You can't be pregnant, we need you here to do shit.” Ben complained.

"He's sticking around." Jess assured him.

"Oh, good. Y'know, you should tell Finn about this." Ben said helpfully as he ducked his head back into the cockpit.

"Tell Finn what?" L'Ulo asked, walking back into the hangar.

"That I'm pregnant!" Poe exclaimed, completely exasperated.

"You're pregnant!?” L'Ulo repeated, eyes wide. 

"For fuck's sake…" Poe rubbed his temple and sighed. "Great, now everyone knows _but_ the dad..."

"Finn doesn't know? What the hell, Dameron?" 

"I was gonna tell him on his birthday..." Poe mumbled. Jess raised an eyebrow and snorted. Finn's birthday was at least a month away. Poe saw her look and threw his hands in the air, finally throwing in the towel. "Fine, I'll do it today. Happy?" he relented.

"Yup." Jess grinned and gave Poe's shoulder a squeeze. "Does this mean I'm an auntie?"

"Me too?" Rey asked. The others joined in, looking at Poe with expressions from hopeful to pleased to downright giddy. Who was he kidding. He couldn't say no to these guys if he tried.

"Why the hell not. Sure. You can all be aunts and uncles." he decided, glancing at his watch while they laughed and squealed. "I’ll be getting home. Finn’s gonna wake up soon." 

"Congrats, boss!" Jess called over her shoulder as Poe walked off. He waved and turned away, keeping a smile on his face until he got to the parking lot and pulled on his helmet. Then he scowled and hit the gas, figuring that the faster he got home, the less time he'd spend worrying about how this was gonna go.

 

\-------------

 

Poe took his helmet off and rested his forehead on the handlebars of his motorcycle, taking a deep breath as he listened to the fluorescent lights flicker and buzz above his head. The parkade was empty aside from him, cool and dark and the perfect place for thinking things through or avoiding responsibilities, both of which Poe was doing right now, with no intention of stopping anytime soon.

He should go upstairs and talk to Finn, he knew that, but he couldn't quite bring himself to get up. Something was holding him back, something deep-seated and painful and irrational, sure, but that didn't stop him from thinking about it. It was just a thought, a blip, really, but Poe couldn't help but think that maybe Finn wouldn't want to know quite yet. Strange part was that there was no reason for him to feel the way he was feeling. Finn wanted this as much as he did. This was a good thing. This was what he and Finn had been praying for since God knows when. This was their dream, their wish come true. 

But in all honesty, this was also the scariest moment of Poe's life.

It was even scarier than seeing the little plus sign on the test a month ago. For a second he'd been walking on air, holding that stick like a Golden Ticket. Every odd stacked against him, and here he was, a positive test in his hands and baby in his tummy. Take that, universe.

But after a moment his elation faded. He'd screwed up his face and sat down on the edge of the counter, listening to water dripping out of the tap. This was great, sure, but now there was no turning back. Now there wasn't a safety net to catch him. If all of a sudden Finn called it off, Poe would be left with a broken heart and a kid that was half somebody else's. And maybe he wouldn't even get that much. Poe pressed his lips together, trying not to think about the awful morning a year ago. If he thought about it then it would happen again, and he wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces of himself when it did. But he'd keep their baby alive, for sure this time.

Poe wanted a baby so badly, wanted it to be safe and healthy and happy, everything a baby was supposed to be. The question was whether or not he'd be able to do that. What if something went wrong? What if he fucked up? Even the thought of the word "miscarriage" sent a shiver up Poe's spine, prompted him to wrap his arms around his stomach and squeeze as though he could physically hold the baby in place, keep their kid alive with nothing but hope and whispered reassurance.

But it hadn't worked before, and if wasn't enough this time around, Poe didn't quite know what he'd do with himself.

"We're gonna be okay, right?" Poe asked quietly. He pressed a hand to his budding stomach and swallowed, keeping his voice steady for the sake of the baby he was carrying around inside him. He couldn't let the kid know how scared he was. He just couldn't. "We're gonna be okay."

 

\-------------

 

“’Morning.” Finn yawned. He was slouched over on one of the barstools around their counter island, newspaper spread out in front of him. Poe cracked a grin when he realised Finn had skipped straight to the comics section. Typical.

“It’s six in the evening.” Poe kissed the top of Finn's head and sat down beside him, letting out a sigh when Finn wrapped an arm around his shoulder and squeezed. 

"It's morning somewhere. Why didn't you wake me? I could've made you breakfast."

"You need your rest, sweetheart. Don't worry about little ol' me." Poe rested his elbows on the counter and sighed, chewing on his bottom lip. Well, now was probably as good a time as any. "Um, Finn, I..." 

"What's up?" Poe didn't quite know what to say next. Instead he hopped off of his stool and grabbed his satchel, digging around in there for awhile even though he knew exactly what he was looking for. Eventually he pulled out an envelope and handed it to Finn, leaning against the wall when Finn opened it and squinted at the picture inside, trying to make sense of the blurry grey shape, managing after awhile to trace a head and what may be the beginning of a hand. His eyebrows furrowed and he blinked at Poe, looking almost dazed. "This is..."

Poe nodded, knuckles white from gripping the countertop so tightly. Then Finn leapt to his feet with a delighted whoop, wrapping Poe in his arms and kissing every inch of his neck and face, babbling all the while. Poe just smiled and let him, too relieved to do much else.

"I knew it!” Finn laughed, squeezing Poe tighter. "So that's why you've been staying home and eating pickles with every other meal. I knew it I knew it I knew it!" Finn held Poe out at arms length, staring reverently at the belly that was starting to push out against the waistband of his jeans. “Is it a boy or a girl? Has it kicked yet?” Finn dropped to his knees and pressed his ear to Poe's stomach, as though expecting to hear something. Poe smiled and leant forward, running his fingers through Finn's hair, shaking his head at the over the top reaction. 

"Slow down, would you? I'm barely at three months." 

"Three months? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Finn demanded, staring up at Poe with a pleading look on his face. "Man, I didn't get to see the first ultrasound. Wait, I missed the entire first trimester, didn't I? This sucks." Finn groaned and Poe ruffled his hair apologetically.

"Sorry, sweetheart, after last time I guess I just..." Poe cleared his throat and laughed a little, trying to put a smile in his voice. "I..."

Finn's face softened and he traced his fingers over Poe's stomach, nodding. Yeah, okay, he knew what was going on here. Before he'd thought that maybe Poe hadn't told him because he didn't trust him, or maybe he thought that the pregnancy would freak Finn out. Turns out he'd just been jumping to conclusions. The problem hadn't been that Poe didn't trust Finn. The problem was he didn't trust himself.

Finn was pretty sure he knew why.

A little over a year ago Finn had stumbled out of the elevator, bleary-eyed after a twenty-four hour shift. All he wanted was to sprawl out on the first flat surface he could find and pass out with Poe's arms wrapped around him. But that's not what happened.

When Finn pushed the front door open Poe was waiting in the doorway, practically bouncing up and down and smiling from ear to ear. It had taken a moment, then Finn noticed what Poe was holding. He'd looked at the pregnancy test, looked at Poe, then whooped and laughed, wrapping his arms around him and rocking him back and forth, one hand on Poe's tummy, tears prickling in his eyes as Poe peppered his face with kisses. They must be the luckiest couple on the planet, pregnant after barely two months of trying. What were the odds of that, right?

Abysmally low, apparently.

A week later Finn had woken up and found Poe sitting on the bathroom floor, arms wrapped around his stomach and bags under his eyes. He was a month or so along at this point, so Finn figured this was normal, if unfortunate.

_Morning sickness?_   he had asked. Poe had shaken his head no, keeping his eyes glued to the cracks in the tile. Finn refused to admit it at the time, but for a second the scared part of him took over and he stepped back, ready to run. Not his best moment, that.

On their way to the doctor they'd crowded together under one umbrella, Finn's face nestled in the crook of Poe's neck. He kept it there during the ultrasound, listening uneasily as Poe's pulse sped up with every passing second. The lines on the technician's forehead had deepened as she passed the probe over Poe's stomach, glancing hopefully at the monitor every now and again. Nothing. Not even a heartbeat.

Afterwards they'd wound up in a coffee shop, curled together on one of the couches in the corner. There were papers from the doctor's office stacked on the table in front of them beside two cups of cold coffee. The specifics of the necessary procedure were outlined neatly on the pages, so clear-cut and simple that it made Finn sick to his stomach. 

When they got back from the hospital a few weeks later Poe was pale and trembling, barely stirring when Finn pressed a kiss to his forehead and helped him into bed. He was going to be late for work, but Finn stood in the doorway of their bedroom for a long moment, trying to figure out what to say and coming up empty-handed.

He came home a day later, and Poe was still curled up on the very edge of the mattress, staring out the window with a blank look on his face. It was beautiful out there, slices of sunlight pouring into the room through the window shades. Finn tried to kiss him, but Poe had rolled away, burrowing under the blankets without a word. But Finn knew that he blamed himself. His eyes said it all. 

Yeah, that hadn't been a good month.

But today wasn't like that. Today didn't get rid of the hurt, sure, but it did take a bit of the sting away. Now it was just a matter of getting Poe to see that.

"I love you. You know that, right?" Finn said softly, resting his chin on Poe's stomach. "You're not doing this by yourself." Poe rolled his eyes and sighed, tugging sheepishly at Finn's curls.

"I know, Finn. God, I don't know what came over me. I should've told you. I should've..." Suddenly Poe's lips trembled and he sort of hunched in on himself, shoulders coming up almost to his ears. "I'm so sorry, Finn."

"Poe?" Finn got to his feet and smoothed his hands up Poe's arms, pulling him into a hug when he noticed the tears streaming down his cheeks. "Hey, you don't have anything to be sorry for. It's okay..." Poe shook his head and Finn pressed his lips to his feverish cheeks, but he let Poe push him away. "It's okay that you didn't tell me, honest."

"I didn't want to tell you and then lose the baby. I didn't want it to be like last time." Poe mumbled. He sat down on the couch and shrugged, arms secure around his stomach and voice tight with unshed tears. "I dunno what I'd do if it happened again, what you'd do, even. I don't want you to leave if it turns out I can't have kids, but at the same time if I am pregnant that means that when we walk down the street together people are gonna look at us like we're a couple of freaks and you're gonna hate me for it so no matter what I'm gonna wind up alone with a dead baby and I can't-" Poe took a shuddering gulp of air and shook his head, hands pressed to his face and sobs racking through his chest. "I can't do this, Finn."

Finn kneeled down on the floor in front of Poe and pulled his hands off of his face, giving him a kiss. "That first time wasn't your fault. Tell me you don't think it was your fault."

"I'm not gonna lie to you." Poe mumbled, staring down at their entwined fingers. "I must've done something, must've screwed up somewhere along the line. I could've done something to change it. I'm never gonna stop thinking this was my fault." 

"Well, it wasn't, and if you need me to remind you of that every day, then that's what I'm gonna do." Finn insisted. He tilted Poe's face up and smiled at him. "I'm not leaving. No matter what. I'm not going anywhere without you. From here on out it's the two of us, got that? Well, the three of us." Finn remedied, dropping back down and nuzzling his cheek against Poe's belly. "It's gonna be okay, Poe. Better than okay." 

For what felt like a long time Finn just stayed there with his head laying in Poe's lap, imagining that he could hear the baby's heartbeat, steady and even. 

_Promise me you'll stick around, baby-girl._  Finn thought.  _We really want you to stay._

For whatever reason, his head had decided that the kid was a girl. Go figure. Finn closed his eyes, imagining what she would look like. First thing that came to mind were a pair of big brown eyes, bright and curious and maybe a bit snappish when she got older. Dark, thick curls that could barely be contained by hair ties and scrunchies. Skin the colour of a Caramilk bar, and a smile as white as snow. Finn opened his eyes and nodded. Yeah, that sounded about right. Now it was just a matter of being patient.

_I promised your Papá that you'd be alright. I don't want to lie to him. Trust me. You'll be okay._

Eventually Poe took a deep breath and nodded, pressing the heel of his palm to his puffy eyes and trying to smile. "You really think so?" he managed, voice only a little bit shaky.

"I know so." Finn replied, confident as ever. He tickled Poe's sides, getting him to laugh. "You'll admit that I'm right in about six months."

"Somebody's cocky."

"Hell yeah I am. This is gonna be great." Finn decided, pressing his lips to Poe's belly button. "And then we can do it all over again when we have another baby."

"Easy, tiger. Let's see how badly we fuck this one up, first." Poe laughed. Finn blinked and looked up at him, his forehead crinkled up in a fretful expression.

"You aren't going to cuss in front of the kid, are you?" he asked frantically.

"'Course not." Poe promised, holding out his hand with his little finger extended. Finn hooked their fingers together and grinned when Poe pecked him on the forehead. "Pinky swear."

Yeah, we all know how long that promise held up.

**Author's Note:**

> I SAID THIS WOULD BE HAPPY AND I'VE MADE A LIAR OUTTA MYSELF FUCK WHY


End file.
